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The Spitting Image – Take a look at this douche (#3)

5 Jul

Have you ever heard the expression “Don’t shit where you eat?” Well apparently this douche didn’t follow this concept; in this case, more like don’t spit where you sit.

So my fiancé and I are sitting on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial in DC waiting for the 4th of July fireworks to start (along with about a million of our closest DC area acquaintances, lol). The whole area around the monument was packed, and soon all of the steps, ledges and grassy areas were occupied with the butts of tourists and locals alike. It started getting so crunched that people gave up looking for a seat and just sat down on the hard ground of the walkways. In front of our set of only minimally comfortable yet highly coveted step-seats squatted a group of 20-somethings, acting loud and generally obnoxious (not unlike pretty much everyone around us by now).

Now anyone in their right mind at this point would realize that any space, be it hard and flat or soft and comfortable, was at a premium. So this is why it shocked the shit out of me that this douche in front of us decided to turn himself backwards from his seated position and proceed to spit what was possibly the world’s chunkiest loogie, not one foot from where he and his similarly douchy friends were sitting. He turned back to his circle and continued on like he hadn’t just created a puddle right behind him.

Spit marks the spot.

Spit marks the spot.

Now my fiancé and I began bawling laughing, of course because we were both simultaneously calculating the odds on when this douche would be inched back in his space by the crowd, or just lean himself back enough when the fireworks began, and he would be swimming in his own snot. It turns out, it we wouldn’t be waiting long.

As we guessed, the douche circle adjusted as they got more animated and loud, and before we knew it, the hand of his fellow douche neighbor nearly got a boog bath.

A near miss!

A near miss!

And then, without warning… it happened.

I hear it's really good for your hair!

I hear it’s really good for your hair!

Have you ever had one of those shared belly laughs with someone you are close with when something is just so fu*king hilarious that you just about wet your pants?

So thanks for the laughs, douche! Or should we have DC Parks and Recreation thank your friend for cleaning up after you?


Metro Douche – Take a look at this douche (#2)

27 Jun

So the morning commute on the DC Metro is a buffet of douchebaggery. On any given morning, I will be entertained by each of the following:

–          Excessive and graphic sneezing/coughing lady (typically the person I end up sitting next to, no less).

–          Businessman tool screaming on his cell phone about mission statements and product development so that everyone will know how important he is.

–          The tourist family of five analyzing each stop on the metro map, and giving a loud verbal update of the name of the current station to everyone at each stop. Just so we all know.

–          Sleeping dude (complete with hood of sweatshirt over face) typically in the back corner of the last car of the train, drooling just a little bit.

–          iPod kid with techno blasting at 7am so that all can share in the enjoyment (how this kid isn’t deaf at this point is beyond me).

–          The hardcore traveler with a five-piece luggage set, each bag fully spread out and falling all over the place, and oddly unaware of it.

While I have learned to not only grow accustomed to, but even find comic relief in this standard bunch of fellow commuters, there is one type of metro-riding douche that will never get a metro pass from me…

Metro Douche

I guess this douche thought his bags needed their independence, or his lap was very tired and couldn’t take the burden. Something tells me though that the random riders dispersed throughout the car with nowhere to sit for the cramped and muggy ride to work did not take sympathy.

Dude, my fellow travelers and I murdered you with our eyes over and over again while you slept. We all hope you slept through your intended stop and ended up in Maryland, douche.

End of rant 🙂

Soggy Bottom – Take a look at this douche (#1)

12 Jun

So I’m driving in the DC area, and what do I spot?


This poor douche was trying to cross the street when he realized that the walk signal was about to change. So what does he do? He starts to run. Well, more like a version of running. The kid sort of… diddled across the street with what looked like the equivalent of having a load wedged into the pit of his skinny jeans, with only a belt strapped up under his butt cheeks keeping it all together. I almost worried that he would lose his pants in the process, but then I realized, he kind of already had.

Thanks for my daily dose of douche, guy.

I "Belieb" we all have this little diva douche to thank for the trend.

I “Belieb” we all have this little diva douche to thank for the trend.