Archive | August, 2013

Old School Kicks: Sneaker Hell

21 Aug

So I was at the gym last week and realized that my feet were starting to hurt a little after running on the elliptical. I looked down and saw how nasty my sneakers were looking these days. I loved these things… Nike running sneakers, white with a black swoosh, little bit of red and black details. Did the job, looked decent. But they were ancient, so I decided to go to the mall where I could hopefully pick up a new pair (without having to refinance my home to pay for them).

Now I’m not an overly boring person. I like a flash of color in the things I wear. But the visual assault I encountered when I walked into Foot Locker made me want to run for the nearest food court dumpster and rehash the details of my lunch:

Can someone please tell me what in the actual F is going on here?!

Can someone please tell me what in the actual F is going on here?!

Instantly I needed a Tylenol. I couldn’t look directly at the wall of sneakers or I would run the risk of torching my corneas.

With a general distaste that I could not only experience in the back of my throat but was also wearing visibly on my horrified face, I bee-lined it out of the store and headed over to Champs. Yeah… Champs must have something for me…

I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

It was like déjà vu. I was stuck in every woman’s 80s flashback nightmare. I was wondering if the store also sold neon snowsuits and Aquanet. I did not stick around to find out.

I made it back out to the mall walkway to catch my breath after being exposed to the neon diarrhea on the walls of the shoe department. Dare I attempt another store?

This time I just looked inside the window to the Finish Line. My dreams of new sneakers drifted away in the sea of neon vomit splattered along the shoe shelves inside.

Blechhh.

Blechhh.

At the risk of permanent damage, my fiancé dragged me into Dick’s Sporting Goods for one last shot. It was there that I found one, and I mean ONE, pair of shoes that didn’t make me want to dry heave. They were the last pair in my size. I snagged them immediately.

We have a winner! No 80s flashbacks here. My appetite is slowly returning.

We have a winner! No 80s flashbacks here. My appetite is slowly returning.

Thank goodness. Guess there will be no need to run into Walmart and hunt down a can of Aquanet (do they still sell that stuff?), a curling iron and some stick-in shoulder pads. I can cancel the perm appointment too. Phew.

Off to the gym in my new sneakers!