Archive | June, 2013

Metro Douche – Take a look at this douche (#2)

27 Jun

So the morning commute on the DC Metro is a buffet of douchebaggery. On any given morning, I will be entertained by each of the following:

–          Excessive and graphic sneezing/coughing lady (typically the person I end up sitting next to, no less).

–          Businessman tool screaming on his cell phone about mission statements and product development so that everyone will know how important he is.

–          The tourist family of five analyzing each stop on the metro map, and giving a loud verbal update of the name of the current station to everyone at each stop. Just so we all know.

–          Sleeping dude (complete with hood of sweatshirt over face) typically in the back corner of the last car of the train, drooling just a little bit.

–          iPod kid with techno blasting at 7am so that all can share in the enjoyment (how this kid isn’t deaf at this point is beyond me).

–          The hardcore traveler with a five-piece luggage set, each bag fully spread out and falling all over the place, and oddly unaware of it.

While I have learned to not only grow accustomed to, but even find comic relief in this standard bunch of fellow commuters, there is one type of metro-riding douche that will never get a metro pass from me…

Metro Douche

I guess this douche thought his bags needed their independence, or his lap was very tired and couldn’t take the burden. Something tells me though that the random riders dispersed throughout the car with nowhere to sit for the cramped and muggy ride to work did not take sympathy.

Dude, my fellow travelers and I murdered you with our eyes over and over again while you slept. We all hope you slept through your intended stop and ended up in Maryland, douche.

End of rant 🙂

Cold meds and 80s flashbacks

15 Jun

On the couch, sick as a dog, on a beautiful Saturday afternoon. I can’t even rummage up the strength to go out by the pool and get a tan. That’s how I know I’m really sick.

Image

So I’m sitting here watching the movie Mannequin, circa 1987, with Andrew McCarthy and Kim Cattrall, and several things are crossing my mind:

–          Hair styles have certainly evolved over the years, and my non-existent bangs are very thankful for that.

–          There really aren’t that many “new” styles in clothing; the styles just get recycled every twenty to thirty years.

–          And last, but with the most impact on me at the moment, this movie is 25 years old. And I was alive and just about old enough to remember when it was cool.

This last thought kind of unsettles me. I suddenly feel like my heart is in my stomach. A part of me wishes I was right back there in 1987, just a kid with no worries, wearing my fabulous neon stylings, black gummy bracelets and curling up my big bangs so that I could try to look as awesome as my big sister.

And so I find myself asking the following questions:

–          Am I allowing what’s left of my youth to fly by without actually stopping to smell the roses a little?

–          Do I spend just a bit too much time thinking about my job, my bills, plans for the future, and not enough time taking all the small pleasures of life every day?

–          Shit, am I about to run out of Kleenex?

I don’t know. Maybe this is just a result of all the Dayquil I’ve been taking in an effort to get some air out of at least one of my stuffed up nostrils. Maybe I really just need a nap.

All I know is, as soon as I get better, I plan to hop in my car, roll down all the windows, blast a sweet 80s mix from my iPod, and cruise through the city while taking a deep breath of the beautiful nearly-summer air (hopefully through my nose by then, haha). And I will appreciate every moment of it, especially since I don’t have to worry that the breeze will mess up my bangs. 🙂

Soggy Bottom – Take a look at this douche (#1)

12 Jun

So I’m driving in the DC area, and what do I spot?

saggypants1

This poor douche was trying to cross the street when he realized that the walk signal was about to change. So what does he do? He starts to run. Well, more like a version of running. The kid sort of… diddled across the street with what looked like the equivalent of having a load wedged into the pit of his skinny jeans, with only a belt strapped up under his butt cheeks keeping it all together. I almost worried that he would lose his pants in the process, but then I realized, he kind of already had.

Thanks for my daily dose of douche, guy.

I "Belieb" we all have this little diva douche to thank for the trend.

I “Belieb” we all have this little diva douche to thank for the trend.

A “High Level Overview” of nauseating office jargon

11 Jun

Without “getting too much into the weeds” on this (oh God, there I go), is it just my office, or does every workplace have its own obnoxious version of vocabulary regurgitation? And is it the a lack of confidence in one’s own speech, the need to sound extremely intelligent (or so they think), or does everyone just eventually get programmed into this way of speaking?

Maybe I’m not being “kept in the loop” here (ugghh), but I want to “get my ducks in a row” and point out some of the more vomit-inducing phrases that really make me want to hurl:

Deliverable – Do I work for the post office now?

Deep Dive – Um, I thought we were going over the finer details of our project, not busting out the scuba gear. And I don’t like the way ocean water gets my hair all knotted.

Swim lane – Geez, first scuba, now the pool. Swimming, diving, and all that are definitely not in my swim lane. Go away and let me do my work.

As to – Can we think of other ideas “as to” how to refer to something other than by saying this? Please? Seriously.

Buy-in – Unless you are trying to convince me to join in on your poker game, I’m not buying in to anything.

Speak to that – Um, if I choose to speak to this topic much longer, I’m going to be ill.

There are so many, but I can’t take it anymore. So that’s all for now… I’ll “be out of pocket” for the rest of the day. (Blecchhh… Darn I couldn’t hold my word vomit anymore). I certainly have no intentions to “circle back around” on this topic later.

bobs

What exactly is it… you do here?

Aww, my first post. How adorable. :-)

8 Jun

Yes, adorable indeed. This first post and all others following it have been a result of some less ‘than adorable’ moments I’ve experienced over the course of my early thirties (and even a few I’d like to forget during my twenties, although when you are in your twenties, at least you have the young and dumb excuse).

Don’t get me wrong, my life isn’t total hell, although perhaps I tend to look like it these days. For example, most recently I’ve managed to somehow survive a major relocation as a result of a promotion for which I will be spending my entire new paycheck to pay for. Good times.

Instead of shelling out money for therapy or risking the possibility of alienating my friends with my newly found neuroses, why not just blog it out, right? Sure, why not.

So please join me on the road to eventual insanity, with a side of douchebags, occasional bright moments, and general WTF. Welcome to my world, and I apologize in advance. 🙂